My thoughts wander....so let's talk about Eclipse!

I have Writer's Block. It's not that I don't have anything to say; to the contrary. When I'm driving to work in the morning, I come up with all kinds of incredibly insightful, meaningful and world-changing ideas. Some will provoke thought, others will move you to tears, others will make your blood boil while still others will make you laugh. It's just that when I sit down in front of the keyboard lately, they all just float away like cigarette smoke (normal cigarettes, not Eclipse, which don't burn, but heats the tobacco).

Eclipse is a good example. I had a wonderful post mapped out in my head on how Susan Ivey and RJ Reynolds should be applying for government grants to market Eclipse "for the sake of the children". After all, the state and federal governments raise cigarette taxes to punitive levels in the insane belief that children won't smoke if cigarettes cost too much. I'll bet all the Crack, Meth, Pot, Cheese, and Black Tar Heroin dealers are having a good laugh over that one. Eclipse IS a safer cigarette and safer is good "for the children". After all, all 50 states have laws prohibiting the sale of cigarettes to minors, but some how the little rascals are still puffing away (more laughter from the drug dealers). The Surgeon General has warning labels all over cigarette packs, but since we now spend more time in school catering to Spanish-speaking students and teaching to tests, that I guess "reading" got left out. Maybe if we made the Surgeon General warnings bi-lingual.......hmmm.

Speaking of the Surgeon General, he has all but said it is safer to give a two year old child a chunk of asbestos coated with lead paint and sprayed with DDT than it is for that same two year old to be within 50 feet of a cigarette smoker (not an Eclipse smoker, of course. Eighty percent of what they exhale is water vapor, not smoke). So why hasn't the Government made cigarettes illegal? Why hasn't the Surgeon General and all the Anti-Smoking Nazis called for the banning of cigarettes? For God's sake, it's for the "good of the children"!!!!! Answer: M-O-N-E-Y.
Texas is rolling in dough after they raised their cigarette tax $1.00 per pack this past January. Now the Feds want a piece of the pie with a $.61 federal cigarette tax increase. Why? "For the Children", of course.

Well what about the tobacco companies and RJR in particular? Here they go and invent a cigarette which is safer, , virtually odorless, doesn't make nasty ashes, and has less carcinogens than regular cigarettes. Granted the carbon monoxide levels are higher in Eclipse, but only a tiny fraction of the levels of carbon monoxide we all breathe every day sitting in rush hour traffic from car exhaust. Eclipse are a public service and how is RJR rewarded? By having the price pushed (in Texas, higher elseware) to over $6 a pack! Safer cigarettes priced out of range of all but the super-rich! Here's what I would do if I were RJR:

1. Apply for immediate government assistance and grants to bring Eclipse down to a reasonable price. This money could come from the sale of the thousands of formaldehyde-reeking Katrina trailers we're still sitting on to, I don't know.....MEXICO! It's better than living in a garbage dump for them and better than having their poor exported here for us.
2. Because of the insanely current high price of Eclipse, many retailers won't carry them and RJR is paying a fortune in warehousing fees storing the cigarettes. I have a 3100 sq ft house that my wife (she is recovering from major surgery...remember that when I talk about Oprah later on in this post) and I share with our dogs. We have plenty of room! RJR could designate my house a satellite warehouse for Eclipse (menthol only.....you guys really need to go back to the lab on the taste of the non-menthol's...no offense). I will require a VERY modest sum plus all the Eclipse I can personally smoke for this service.
3. RJR should hire me to promote and lobby their cause in Washington. Who loves Eclipse more than I do? In fact, I participated in one of the early focus groups on Eclipse RJR commissioned. I was SO enthusiastic that at the conclusion, they didn't give me the customary carton of Eclipse for participating......THEY GAVE ME TWO AND A HALF CARTONS!
4. "But Mr. Unloadingzone," Susan Ivey of RJR says, "I've read some of your other blog posts, especially the one on depression, and I don't know if you'rementally stable enough to be our spokesman." WRONG: it makes me the PERFECT spokesman! Do you think SANE people get on Oprah?????? Look at Tom Cruise and tell me he's sane! He worships some hack science fiction writer, for goodness sake! And I would NEVER jump around on Oprah's furniture like a 2 year old. So I get a little depressed now and then. When I tell the story of how I was forced to give up Eclipse and switch to smuggled-in "value" cigarettes from Indian Reservations, Oprah and I will BOTH break into tears! I would be a great spokesman for Eclipse.

Instead of treating Eclipse like the orphaned stepchild of the family, they should be out trumpeting it virtues! . The government should be subsidising the price and I should get a high-paying spokesman's job with free Eclipse.....all I can smoke!

...........so where was I? Oh yea, I'm suffering from writers block. I just can't seem to get anything down in print. I hope it passes soon.

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