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Saturday, January 24, 2009

Obama White House Dog Scandal

Sometime during the first week of January 2009, the decision was made.

President-Elect Barack Obama had just concluded two back-to-back classified briefings: one on the economy and one on stuff too classified to even name.

Sinking wearily into the back seat of his limousine, the President-Elect pulled out his BlackBerry. The Secret Service Agent in the front seat cleared his throat rather pointedly. Obama looked straight at him...and snarled! The Agent turned face front, cowering in his seat.

The President-Elect scrolled through his address book bringing up Rahm Emmanuel, his newly chosen Chief of Staff. He pressed the button and waited for Emmanuel to answer. Seconds later, he did.

"Rahm, it's Barack. I need your help."

Obama then explained how his wife Michelle and especially his two daughter had been nagging at him all week about the White House dog.

"Rahm, we need to hit the ground running on Day One. There is just too much to put together before the 21st to go dog shopping. Michelle and the girls won't settle for anyone other than me to be with them when the dog is selected. Options?"

There was silence on the line for a few seconds and then Emmanuel responded "What about an Interim White House Dog. He could be part of the Transition Team and a few months down the road, you could take some time with the girls and go shopping for the Permanent White House Dog."

"Perfect", Obama replied. "We can tell everyone we want to make sure my daughter's allergies won't be affected by a hypo-allergenic dog before we commit. The last thing I want to do is rush this, pick the wrong type of dog, and have to return it. The Press would have a field-day! Besides, the American Dog Lover Vote is one I'm going to need in 2012. Do you have a particular dog in mind?"

"Actually I do, sir. His code name is Guinness. He is hypo-allergenic, was born at the tail end of the Clinton Administration so he'll fit in with all the rest of us, and has proven to be of value in the past."

"How so?" Obama asked curiously. Again, silence. Then an almost whispered "Sir, it's highly classified. I don't think I can even tell you until you are President. You could invite Bill Clinton over and get him drunk. He'll tell you anything you want to know and won't remember he told you in the morning."

"I'm not THAT curious, Rahm. As long as you vouch for this Guinness character, he's fine with me. What color is he?"

"Brown." Emmanuel replied.

Obama smiled. "Do it."

Somewhere around January 13th 2009, Rahm Emmanuel found himself sitting in an armored Lincoln Town Car; windows heavily tinted, in front of the home of Guinness's human family. In the seat beside him sat Guinness, a 35 lb Miniature Poodle. And every bit of that 35 pounds was muscle.

After briefing Guinness on the position, Emmanuel leaned forward and said "Well Guinness, what do you think?"

Guinness though seriously for a moment. This would be the end of his covert operations days. On the other hand, he would probably get on Oprah, would appear in Dog Fancy Magazine, and be the Honorary Pack Leader of the next Westminster Dog Show. He would advance the cause of Poodles everywhere, eat great human food, and $15,000 a month isn't bad for a short gig like this. "I can still do "cute" ", he barked to himself. "I do want a BlackBerry, though".

The two shook on the deal and Emmanuel told Guinness he would be nominated along with the cabinet the week before the election. "You will have to go before the Senate Canine Committee and testify. Any new dirt in your closet?"

Guinness chuckled. None THEY would ever find! On that note, Guinness went back inside the house and Emmanuel's car headed for the Airport.

Guinness realized something was wrong around January 16th. He hadn't heard from Emmanuel yet on travel arrangements. Using the BlackBerry Emmanuel had been forced to give him in the car that day, Guinness called Rahm Emmanuel's direct line.

It was worse than Guinness had thought. Emmanuel had failed to mention to the President-Elect that Guinness was a Poodle. Obama had freaked out!

"Poodles are Fru Fru dogs! Obama had yelled, "I said it To Barbara Walters and I stand by it. If nothing else, I AM consistent!"

Emmanuel stammered an apology, told Guinness to keep the BlackBerry and quickly hung up.

"He still fears me" Guinness thought. "Well he should." Guinness made a few other calls on that Blackberry. Then he went to bed.

The next morning, a courier delivered a large envelope. In it were a number of photographs. Guinness pawed through them until he saw what he was looking for. Running upstairs to his human's office, he scanned the photo and emailed the .jpeg of the picture to Emmanuel. And then he sat like a good boy.

Three minutes later, the BlackBerry rang. It was the almost Chief of Staff.

"Guinness, are you out of your mind??? If you leak that photo before the inauguration, it will be a public relations disaster! Everything the President-Elect is planning for the first four months of his Presidency will go down the toilet and America with it!"

Guinness smiled and emailed him a second photo. "Barbara Walters????!!! You're going to give this picture to BARBARA WALTERS!?

Monday, January 26th, Washington Post Headline: "Obama Family Unable to Decide on White House Dog; Interim White House Hypoallergenic Dog May Be Required"

"MAY be required?" Guinness chuckled as he rolled onto his back in the luxurious leather seat of Air Force One. A broken and defeated Rahm Emmanuel reached over almost mechanically and began giving Guinness yet another belly rub..........

Photo Top Small: The damning picture of President-Elect Obama cuddling a REAL Fru Fru dog in the Lincoln Memorial.

Photo Top Large: Code Name: Guinness the Poodle

Postscript: The Obama Family chose the Official White House Dog on May 13th 2009. The transfer of power went smoothly. As millions watched, Guinness sniffed the new dog's butt approvingly and waved his paw in farewell. White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel then personally drove Guinness to the back-up Air Force One for his flight home to Texas.

Five days later, the White House Press Office announced the Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel had resigned for "personal reasons" the night before. Emmanuel had already packed and left Washington, not to be heard from again until President Obama left office.


Mr. Unloadingzone

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1 comment:

Larry Waters said...

On Oct 24, 2011, Guiness suffered a fractured leg fighting for our country.

He's 12 now and we've tried to tell him to take things easy, but that's not the Guiness way.

Get well soon, Guiness. We ordered you the maximim pain meds possible until your surgery tomorrow.

Mrs. Unloadingzone

Mrs. Unloadingzone
"The Girl of my Dreams"