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Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Apple and RJ Reynolds Unite to Bring Back the Cigarette!

Faux News Service: In a stunning Independence Day announcement, Susan Ivey, Chairman of R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company and Steve Jobs, Chairman and CEO of Apple Inc. announced that their two companies are partnering to develop and market a new product: the iPack.

The iPack will be a new line of cigarettes RJR will manufacturer based on Apple specifications. The iPack will be available in soft-pack only and not available in Menthol. Apple plans to sell a hard-pack accessory case to generate add-on sales. As to consumer complaints about the lack of a Menthol iPack, Jobs responded "who cares what you want. I don't like Menthol, end of story."

Each iPack will come with 19 cigarettes and 1 interchangeable filter. If the filter is lost or broken, it is not user-replaceable. iPack users will have to send their cigarettes back to Apple to have the filter replaced.

iPacks will come in two models: King Size and 100's. King Size will retail for $20 a pack and 100's will retail for $25 per pack. There will be no discount coupons or "two for one" offers accompanying the iPacks. When Jobs was asked if the price wasn't a little high, he shot back "We make a 55% gross margin on the iPhone and look how many of those sold! Apple devotees will pay anything if it's got the Apple logo on it."

Ivey was equally enthusiastic about the iPack. "We've watched our US market decline as smokers fell into the minority and punitive State and Federal tobacco taxes kept rising. Associating RJR Tobacco with the Apple brand will make smoking socially acceptable, if not desirable again. We have great hopes for this collaboration.

Jobs added that for those who couldn't afford the iPack, they could stand next to an iPack smoker and get second-hand iSmoke for free. He added "Unfortunately, current technology doesn't allow a way for us to charge for second-hand iSmoke but we're working hard on it."

Both Jobs and Ivey stated that Independence Day was chosen for a reason: it represented freedom...freedom from the stigma of cigarette use for smokers and freedom for the money in their wallets. The iPack is expected to hit the market before Christmas. Faux News has learned that eager Apple junkies are already lining up their lawn chairs at Seven/Eleven's around the country. Tags:, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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Mrs. Unloadingzone

Mrs. Unloadingzone
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